It’s usually around Halloween when that old familiar feeling arises: The holidays are right around the corner! Soon we will have twinkling lights and greenery and advertisements for gifts and holiday movies on every TV station. But what about the holidays that arrive in September and October? What about the religious holidays that are less national and more home-centered? Just because they garner less attention does not make them any less meaningful or important.
When I was newly married, the high holiday observances were not something we had discussed. We were both Jewish, so we didn’t really expect any struggles. As it turned out, my family only observed the evening services and my husband’s family observed both evenings and days. So we did evenings with my family and days with his. My family had always had an at-home Break Fast. My husband’s family went out to dinner for the Break Fast. So we compromised: We alternated families for the Break Fast each year. It wasn’t that hard. But over time, I found that I didn’t feel comfortable with the daytime services because that wasn’t my tradition. I told my husband he could go with his parents but I would not be joining. I met them for the celebratory Rosh Hashanah lunch and everyone was happy.
For interfaith families, the drive and pull to celebrate and build traditions around the Jewish holidays can be especially hard (and can require more than just reconciling day versus night services). While Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are two of the most significant holidays on the Jewish calendar, they can also be the most difficult to observe and celebrate. The kids may have school on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (and may in fact have just gotten back to school) making attendance at services a struggle. Parents and other family members may have to work, making special meals and observances more difficult. Extended family may live far away and have trouble traveling “off season.”
It can feel like there isn’t the abundance of opportunities to celebrate the high holidays the way there are at Christmas. It takes a little extra effort—and if the holiday wasn’t yours to begin with and doesn’t hold the history, magic and significance of childhood holidays, imagine how hard that could seem?
Like most relationships and issues, the most critical tool in navigating interfaith holiday observance is communication. It’s really at the heart of all conflict resolution. This begins with conversations about how you want the holidays to be experienced in your family and what your expectations are. It’s especially important at the high holiday season for the Jewish partner to take a lead role in the planning and enacting of observances. Let your partner know what you want the holiday to “look like.” It’s not enough to simply have your own memories and feelings about holidays, you need to also convey them clearly to your spouse.
Discuss how you want your children and extended family to participate. Share your stories of your childhood memories. Share the specifics of the foods and the rituals of these occasions that feel most special and important to you. Often in heterosexual families the planning falls to the mother or wife, and if she is herself not Jewish, this can present resentment. But even for the best intentioned parent, it can be hard to know what to do and how to do it. This is a time when communication is critical.
My friend, let’s call her Jenny, a Catholic mother of two married to (let’s call him) Jack who is Jewish, has found successful ways to handle the religious holidays in her home. Because Jack’s family lives out of town, there is little outside pressure to do much for the Jewish holidays. They belong to a synagogue and attend high holiday services as a family. With no competing Catholic holidays, this is relatively easy to do. And Jack doesn’t press for more in the way of observance, says Jenny. “We don’t have specific meals and traditions around the high holidays so it’s really pretty simple to do.”
According to Jenny, she made it clear what she needed from Jack early on. “From the beginning I said, ‘I know nothing.’ I said to him, you have to take the lead and I will follow your lead. I’ll cook, but I need to be taught and understand what is needed and why.” For Jack, attendance at high holiday services was what mattered most to him. So they make sure to get the kids out of school and participate in the services. Their children, being raised Jewish, understand that this is an important religious time and while their mother isn’t Jewish, she shares in their experiences.
It’s not just the couple and the children that are impacted by dual faiths at the holidays. Families of origin are also involved. It is important to make clear to your families what your decisions about holidays are and how you want to them to be involved. Again, communication is the critical element in successful navigation of religious holidays within families.
Let extended family members know exactly what you want and expect of them. If you are changing old traditions to make them fit your family needs, be clear with your extended family about what that means to you and why you are doing it and what you want from them. If you want the holidays to happen a certain way, say a pre-service family meal or a special Break Fast at Yom Kippur, help your extended family understand how they can be involved.
If you are not celebrating your own religious holidays in your own home, but you want your children to know and understand your culture and history and faith, let your family of origin know how it would help if they would host a family meal or attend a family service together. Be very specific.
Holidays are emotional. They are complicated. They are not just about religion and observance, they are also about history, family, culture and tradition. How you celebrate the holidays is about family and fun, but it’s also about establishing the religious identity of your children and your family.
Author: S. Courtney Nathan
